


New beginnings

by HolbyCityFan



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, berena - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-15 05:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10550744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolbyCityFan/pseuds/HolbyCityFan
Summary: Serena returns from her sabbatical, and is shocked that the Bernie Wolfe she left is not the same as the one she returns to. Have they both changed too much to be happy together again?





	1. Welcome Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is going to be a multi chapter fic starting from Serena returning from her sabbatical, and is going to show how Serena will cope when she realises she’s not the only one who changed when she was away. She has to face up to how much she’s hurt the people she loves, especially Bernie. It’s not going to be an easy ride…but I think and I hope it’s going to be genuine and true to character.
> 
> It isn't going to be a depressing fic though, I just want to show more how Serena's grief could have taken its toll on Bernie.
> 
> I don't know where this is going so please all leave comments if you want this to continue and I'm so open to suggestions etc. We can go through this together!

“Bernie”

Serena’s eyes were searching mine, I saw something I didn’t recognise, _someone_ I didn’t recognise. All that overwhelming love and care still nearly bowled me over, every ounce of me wanted to just reach out and hold her, feel everything I’d spent all those months thinking I might never get back. I wanted to pull her towards me so fast her breath would hitch in her throat, feel her smile against my mouth in anticipation the way she used to, press my lips so firmly against hers that none of this time that had passed would mattered anymore.

How could I do that? I realised in that moment that we didn’t know each other anymore, not really. Too much had changed.

“Bernie, what’s wrong?”

I was filled with anger from the pit of my stomach as I watched her. Serena Campbell was dumbfounded, so perplexed by the idea that I hadn’t been sat waiting all those months, confused that I wasn’t there ready to jump straight into her arms.

I took a breath, and another, deep and slow and shaking with every ounce of frustration I was trying so desperately not to unleash.

I’d been angry, so angry. I’d cried into my empty flat for weeks, wondering whether I even recognised myself any longer, whether I’d given so much of myself to making sure Serena survived that who I was before hadn’t.

I opened my mouth to speak but all that came out was a croak, a tear-tinged, pathetic croak that gave away every bit of hurt I felt.

We were stood in our office, after our first shift together since she came back.

Not now, don’t give her the satisfaction, I told myself.

I’d been hurt, and now I was determined. Determined to show Serena I wasn’t just going to fall into her arms and act as if the past six months hadn’t happened, because they had, and God had I felt them. In every shaky breath I took trying to hold back the tears when her name was mentioned on the ward, in the feeling of my heart sinking when I accidentally ordered two coffees rather than one from pulses.

Serena Campbell had left, and it’d hurt. She’d left to find herself again, to put herself back together, and I forgave that, I could forgive that a hundred times over. The thing I couldn’t forgive was that she’d left me broken, she’d left me so unsure if I was worthy of love that I’d had to save myself, and build myself into someone she’d no longer recognise.

“Maybe you’re not the only one who’s changed these past six months Serena”

I managed to get that much out without breaking down, and now those words were in the open, I saw her expression change. The old Serena would’ve hardened, shut down and told me I needed to consider who I’m talking to. New Serena didn’t, her face fell, she looked defeated and I couldn’t blame her. She’d walked onto the ward, a spring in her step, a tan on her shoulders, the widest, most beautiful smile on her face and I’d spent the whole day avoiding her. I’d laughed with our colleagues at the nurse’s station, seen her walk past as I spent my lunch chatting with Sacha Levy at Pulses. I’d gracefully accepted my misdiagnosis, told her in a professional manner that I was wrong, that she should go ahead and do the operation she thought was right.

That day, she’d seen a Bernie Wolfe who’s friendships were true, who stepped on the ground more gently, smiled more genuinely, who’s heart was in the right place. She’d seen the Bernie I’d spent the six months she’d left me for building, without her, and a person she didn’t recognise. I could tell from her face, her soft brown eyes were searching mine, over and over, trying to find some remanence of the Bernie she knew. This one was stronger, and she stood her ground, Serena Campbell was going to have to do more than waltz through the door to grab my attention this time. I was different even to when I first arrived at Holby, riddled with guilt, broken like my marriage. I was Major Berenice Wolfe again, strong and independent, and someone Serena never had the pleasure to meet.

“You look well Serena, it’s good to have you back” came out in a voice I didn’t even recognise as my own, detached but warm, caring. Serena was as shocked by it as I was, I could’ve sworn I saw her jaw slightly drop as I said “goodnight” and walked past her and out of the doors to AAU, not looking back once.

I went home, made myself dinner and got into bed and I felt content, I was happy without Serena, I had proved to myself that my life could be everything without her, but I was so pleased she’d come back.

I didn’t need her. The only thing was that I still wanted her, and I still loved her. I wasn’t going to make the mistake of falling into the power struggle and the emotionally unstable relationship we left, we both deserved more than that after the time apart, and if she wanted it as much as I did, she’d fight.

The day Serena left, she held me, we both held on for a little too long, wishing the moment our bodies would part would never come. I told her I loved her, that she’d be ok, that Elinor would be so proud of her, that I was too.

I went home and broke down, and then after work every day for the rest of that week. I didn’t hear anything from Serena, we hadn’t discussed whether we’d talk or not, but I missed her. I let myself delve into our memories to stop the constant ache in my chest, but every one seemed to be overshadowed by the months after Elinor’s death.

Every good memory spoiled by another, memories of us laying in bed soon turned into me dressing her in the mornings, telling her the patients needed her, having to physically pull her out of bed. Us in our office, arm wrestling, laughing, kissing turned into guilt, blame and arguments, her telling me to stop fishing for attention when she’d basically told me I was insignificant to her life. Every time I entered a bathroom at Holby I remembered finding Elinor on the floor, then Serena telling me that my love didn’t help her. Serena’s grief, and the way we played out in her grief, loomed like a shadow over everything. I’d told her I could take it, told her I was bloody tough and I loved her, and that whatever she threw at me I could take, and it took me time to realise I was wrong. I volunteered myself as her emotional punching bag, and that is certainly what I became. After we sat on that roof and she filled me with _I hope so’s_ , we had two weeks until she left, things slipped back into what they were before, we were tense and we argued, and the _I hope so’s_ seemed to be forgotten.

In the first month, I cried and I was bloody angry, taking it out on everyone in my sight. On my staff, on Cam, on the walls of our office. After the first month I came to realise that I’d lost Serena Campbell the second Elinor died. After that we were toxic, she was broken and I was ready to break myself to try and fix her. I thought and hoped that if I loved her hard enough it’d put her back together, but of course it couldn’t. I’m not trying to blame her for my willingness to lose myself in her grief just as much as she did, we’re both to blame.

For the second month, I was in a state of limbo, unsure of whether I hated Serena or loved her. Unsure who I was without her.

By the third month, I realised that I should’ve been stronger, I shouldn’t have taken it all on myself, because I didn’t recognise the self-doubting, self-loathing person I’d become. The fact that I couldn’t save Serena with my love broke me, she broke me, but I let her. I wasn’t some passive force who was ripped apart, I asked her to do it, I would’ve done anything to make her go back to who I fell in love with. By the end of the month I’d decided that I loved Serena, and that wasn’t going to change, but I wasn’t going to love her in the same way I had after Elinor’s death. I was going to build myself, learn to love myself, make my life full without her, and if she wanted an unbroken Bernie Wolfe then she’d have to fight for her.

When it came to the fourth month without her I’d started making changes. I threw myself into work, not working too much, but enjoying it, enjoying the thrill of surgery, even when she wasn’t on the other side of the table. Enjoyed drinks after work with the AAU family, taking care of them, being a single AAU mum as it were. Getting Isaac kicked so far away from the hospital he’d never get near Dom again, and made sure he left with such a bad reputation he’d never treat another patient. I went running, every day, sometimes with Cam and Morven and sometimes alone, until I could hardly breathe and was on the verge of throwing up, sprinted every bit of Serena Campbell out of me.

During the fifth month, I let myself remember Serena, the good and the bad, and came to realise that what I was doing was right. There’s no way we could just start off where we left, we both needed to be ourselves again before we could be together again. I smiled at the good memories, I didn’t cry and will my brain to get rid of any thought involving her like I had in the first months. I laughed when I thought of when I let her win that arm wrestle in the office, and even had a smile at when we bickered over naming Serena’s pigeon up on the roof. Even once everything turned toxic, there were good bits, there were moments where we were Serena and Bernie and nothing else other than that mattered.

The sixth month was the one when I started doing these things for myself, because I enjoyed them, not because I was desperately trying to find any trace of myself before Serena Campbell. I spent less time thinking about her, and more thinking about me. I never got any communication over the six months, not that I really expected to, and if I had I don’t know if I’d have responded. I spent many nights wondering what Serena was doing, she planned to start off in France, then travel around Europe, visit Italy, I know she’d always wanted to go to Venice. I kept my relationship with Jason strong, eventually looked forward to the idea of going and cooking him dinner and watching countdown, not dreading entering Serena’s house, her smell still lingering. Jason kept in touch with her, updated me occasionally on where she was, at one point saying she’d ventured all the way to Australia, which surprised even me. Mostly, we kept to talking about the hospital and his life, I tried to support him in all the ways Serena did before she left. I checked up on him, had dinner with him weekly and we built a relationship completely non-reliant on his aunt. By the end of the sixth month I started to think Serena Campbell might never return.

On the day before she returned, she sent me a text.

_‘I’m back on AAU tomorrow, I’ve missed you Bernie. I’ve got so much to tell you! S’_

It made me smile, but with a slight tinge of dread, I knew Serena would return, expecting me to fall into her arms and hang off her every word. Little did she know I hadn’t been waiting, I’d been living, and I’d changed.

When I saw her on the ward I felt butterflies erupt in my stomach, it felt as though I were meeting this beautiful enigma for the first time all over again. We’d both changed beyond belief, I expected her to have changed, my changes on the other hand came as a surprise to Serena. That day had shown we weren’t the same people as six months ago, and I needed some acknowledgment or apology for what happened, we deserved better.

We’d changed, but we were better. Much stronger.

I could tell she still loved me just as much as I loved her.

It wasn’t going to be easy, we had a lot of catching up to do, getting to know each other again. Serena would have to build up all those bridges she burnt down all those months ago, and I’d help her do it.

As I let myself give in to sleep, I looked forward to the next day, co-leading the ward again, showing Serena Campbell what I’d become.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very based on giving the background of how Bernie coped when Serena was away. The next chapter will be much more dialogue based and show some progression don't you worry! Though it will be a slow burner.  
> Let me know what you want next, a chapter from Serena's pov? More Bernie's pov? Third person? Let me know!


	2. Get To Know Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments and Kudos, all very much appreciated!!  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter, and please keep leaving comments if you want more of this story, I'm really enjoying writing it.

We came to blows a lot sooner than I expected, it still seemed, no matter how much I’d changed, Serena Campbell was the one person who knew how to rile me up.

It started on the ward, over patient care, but everyone, including us knew that wasn’t really what it was about. On her first day, we’d handled it with enviable grace, to the point where I doubted my feelings for her altogether.

She came in the next morning, strong and determined to prove something, shocked by my nonchalant attitude to her.

Ms Campbell had a point to prove and she was going to prove it.

She screamed down the ward with a passion I admired, but the new Bernie didn’t do that, didn’t risk damaging her reputation for an argument with Serena in front of everyone. After a week of this, near-arguments, me backing down every time, telling her to calm down and try seeing my side, I’d had enough.

“If we’re going to do this, at least let’s do it in our office Ms Campbell”

I slightly scolded myself for the hidden meaning, and I vaguely remember saying something along those lines when she had her hand rubbing my inner thigh, feigning innocence, at the nurse’s station all those months ago. The similarity of the words I’d said weren’t lost on Serena, we shared a gaze, still angry and heated, but there was a flicker of something else. A recognition of our relationship all those months ago, before she left, before Elinor died, a recognition of how happy we were.

I think I saw some sadness in her eyes then, shock certainly, but she looked sad, probably thought I used those words to deliberately get at her.

I followed her through to our office, slamming the door a little too hard behind me to come across as calm and unaffected. When I span around she was a lot closer than I expected, the lights were off and the room was only filled with the light glow coming through the gaps in the blinds, the afternoon light filling the room from the window. The low, breathy buzzing of our computers filled the room, the gentle ticking of the clock, counting down each second as we stared each other down.

 The tension was so high, neither of us wanting to back down, we were inches apart, I could feel her breath on my face, warm and full of anger. After what felt like hours of this, she let out a sigh, her shoulders dropped and walked slowly to her chair and slumped in it.

“What are you trying to prove?” I asked her, her eyes were closed, her face so full of tension and all I wanted to do was stroke her cheek and kiss her mouth and take it all away.

There was more silence, stretching out in front of us, it seemed never ending.

“What’s happened Bernie?” she opening her eyes so wide I could feel myself falling into them, the light from between the blinds glowing on her newly tanned features.

“I don’t recognise you anymore” and this time it was her turn to pathetically croak out her words, her eyes betrayed her as a single tear rolled down her cheek, tracing a trail down her cheek and I refrained myself from reaching forward and wiping it away.

The old Bernie would’ve snapped, would’ve told her that yes, doesn’t it hurt when the person you love changes beyond recognition, but this Bernie didn’t. This Bernie didn’t want to hurt her, or punish her, but she didn’t want to give in to her either.

I needed to be sure she’d changed, make sure we could work together, that we wouldn’t fall into what we were before, because I couldn’t do that again.

“That’s because I’ve changed” I stated, so matter of fact, so cold.

“I had no choice Serena, I didn’t even recognise myself anymore, when you left” another tear fell down her cheek, and I accidentally strode forward so I was stood in front of her chair, so close to her, but still I stopped myself from reaching forward and wiping at her cheeks with the pad of my thumb.

“I couldn’t stay, you know I couldn’t” there was an anger in her eyes that I recognised from before, when she’d lie and tell me she hadn’t been drinking, when she’d tell me I couldn’t make her better no matter how hard I tried. Flickers of the old Serena coming through.

“I know” I felt defeated, all this anger I thought I’d got rid of, it turned out, hadn’t completely gone. The last six months had been my version of hell, seeing her again had brought all of that back up again.

“You hurt a lot of people before you left, maybe you need to focus on making that better” she nodded slowly, tearfully, before choking out “I’m sorry” and as I looked deep into her eyes I knew she meant it, and a small smile rose to my lips.

She was her again, beautiful and full of life and we were still so in love.

She stood up then, we were so close I could feel the heat radiating from her, her breath tickled my lips, we both smiled, and I felt a relief. We would be ok.

“I know, I forgive you Serena” and her smile grew wider than I’d seen it since I could remember. “We’ve both changed so much. So, let’s start again” I suggested, stepping back slightly and raising my hand between us.

She took it.

“Bernie Wolfe, tough ex-army medic who can run a trauma unit beautifully all by herself” we both smirked, and we shook hands as she spoke.

“Serena Campbell, world explorer whose home will always be in Holby” we both smiled, her small reassurance that she wasn’t going anywhere, that she was going to stay and fight, just like I was.

We both sat down at our desks and there was a warmth in the air, not quite like summer, but it wasn’t winter anymore, our relationship wasn’t cold and dark. A warmth had been injected into it that we both hoped could grow into something never-ending.

“How are you? how have you been?” she asked with complete sincerity. In the months after Elinor’s death she’d forgotten to ask that, but I could tell she really wanted to know this time, wanted to know everything.

I stood up at this point and sat at the edge of her desk, enough space between us for it to be comfortable, but close enough to be real.

“It was hard, and I guess I’m not as tough as I thought” I echoed the words I’d told her I the bathroom before she’d left. Her eyes were sad, she felt responsible and I could see that.

“I spent so long convincing myself that if I tried hard enough you’d be you again. The reality hit when you left, and I’d kind of lost myself in trying to save you” she reached out and held my hand, our joined hands resting in my lap, hers were still as soft as I remembered, as kind.

“What I’m trying to say is that while you were away finding yourself, I was finding myself here” I looked down to see a watery smile and I squeezed her hand gently, with enough force to reassure her.

“I was so angry, and then so guilty for being angry because I knew it was nothing compared to what you had to go through” we never broke eye contact and my breath was shaky as I tried so desperately to get all my thoughts out and not be interrupted by my tears.

“I had to rebuild myself, and I can’t go back to what we were before. We’ve both changed too much” Serena’s eyes widened at this, a look of panic on her face, her soft features hardening into an expression I recognised.

Fear.

“W-what do you want to do then?” she asked so quickly, but her face softened as mine did. I smiled at her and tried to fill it with a promise that I wasn’t running away or rejecting her this time.

“Get to know each other again. Work together again, I want to get to know the new Serena Campbell” she grinned at this, tears still pooling in her eyes, threatening to pour out, but this time they weren’t tears of anger or fear, they were tears of hope.

A knock on the door broke us out of our bubble, we let go of each other’s hands and the rest of the world came flooding back in as the door to the office opened.

“Red phone just rang. Major RTC, four casualties on their way up to us” and he walked away, the door still wide open. Serena dried her eyes and stood up, opening her arm out towards the door.

“After you Ms Wolfe, let’s get to work” and so we did.

There was no more tension or confusion, I realised how much I’d missed operating with her. We worked as such a team, no need to communicate verbally. We were in surgery for the rest of that day, working alongside each other. All our patients survived and I hadn’t felt a buzz like that in months…well, since I’d last been in theatre with Serena.

We said goodbye at the end of our shift with a smile, a genuine smile from both of us, and then I went home, and I looked forward to seeing her the next day.

Two weeks went on like this, working in perfect harmony, joking and even a hint of flirting.

She was still Serena Campbell after all, and I still found her mind-blowingly attractive.

That’s as far as we’d got, professional harmony, chit-chat, but very little meaningful conversation. We were getting to know each other again, the things that had changed, and the things that had remained the same.

In the evenings, Serena would go home with Jason, he’d mentioned to me on a break we shared that he’d moved back in with her. He said she’d apologised, he said that she’d changed and she was, as he put it, “Auntie Serena again.” I’d also heard through hospital gossip that she’d made her peace with Jasmine, even though she’d half done that before she left. She’d also apologised to Jac, which the old Serena would never have done, and God could I blame her. The smug look that would’ve appeared on her face would’ve been enough to make Serena assault her as well as her sister.

It seemed, that Serena had swallowed her pride in all areas of her life, and made amends for her actions. She hadn’t yet done that with me, we kept a friendly distance, no pressure, just us trying to find even ground around each other again.

Serena would never come to Albie’s after work when we all did, she’d never ask me personal questions or confide in me about her own personal matters. We both knew at some point we’d need to do that, our relationship wasn’t going to progress any further than work colleagues if we never talked about anything of any importance.

By the end of her fourth week of being back, our professional relationship had returned to perfection. We were scrubbing out of our last operation of the day, both exhausted, but satisfied we’d done enough to give the guy a fighting chance at a full recovery. We were washing our hands, bodies so close, our shoulders brushing as we scrubbed away at our hands in comfortable silence, and then Serena suddenly piped up.

“So” she started. I could tell she was nervous, even though she was trying to feign confidence. “How do you like the new Serena then?” she looked at me and smirked, eyes sparkling with something I hadn’t seen since she’d returned.

“I think I quite like her you know” I teased back.

“Enough to take her for a drink after our shift?” there was hope in her voice, a wave of nervousness hit me. This was it.

This was Serena’s olive branch. This was Serena ready to move beyond work colleagues again.

“Meet in our office?”

“See you then” she smiled like a teenager and swanned from the room, a spring in her step. It reminded me of the conversation we’d had in that exact room before I’d left for Kiev.

Kiev.

The biggest fuck up of all time.

Serena forgave me for that, so effortlessly, like she did everything, with an air of grace around her.

We both had our faults, but I was sure as hell pleased to be getting to know her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to upload again in the next couple of days! This fic is going to end up being about 6/7 chapters I think (but that could easily change to a little more). Thank you for reading!


	3. Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the reviews, I love reading them and have tried to reply to them all, I really do appreciate it!  
> This chapter is a little shorter than the last two, but don't worry, the next one will be longer.

We walked to Albie’s and found a small table in the furthest corner, nobody would see us unless they were looking, and we both doubted they would be. We got a glass of Shiraz each, like old times, I dared to think.

We spent the first minutes talking about the ward, where our relationship since she’d returned had remained until that moment, a safe place we were both comfortable talking about. Then I took the risk, asked her the question I so longed to hear the answer to, so wished it’d put my mind at rest.

“How are you?” I asked and she smiled sweetly up at me, the flickering of the candle in the middle of our table highlighting the freckles that newly graced her beautiful nose. It was dark enough that I felt a sense of safety in it, I think we both did, a low-light blanket that we could protect ourselves with. The conversation would’ve been so much harder had it been in broad daylight, neither of us were ready for that kind of raw intimacy yet.

“I mean it, I want to know how you are, have you had time to heal?” I added when I got no answer, just a soft smile and a sparkle in her eyes.

“Yes” she answered simply, and smiled so bright, and I realised she really meant it. Not that she was perfectly happy again, but that she wasn’t so fraught with guilt that she couldn’t function, she was lighter, happier and so much more beautiful than I’d seen her in a long time.

“It was amazing” she admitted then and I leant forward slightly, the light bathed her whole face now and I could see her every feature, a shadow pooling in the dimple of her chin.

She told me of her time in France, long walks along rivers, trips to vineyards, her fluency in French almost returning by the end. She stayed with an older couple, they showed her the French countryside, took her out on their boat for days on end. She said she’d cried when she left, but that she felt so full of love. Said it was the first time since Elinor died that she’d cried over anything other than her grief, and though it was sad to leave, that first month and her incredible landlords healed her in ways she never thought was possible.

She’d spent the next two months travelling around Italy, her face lit up and her eyes glistened when she came to telling me about the weeks she spent in Venice.

“Oh, it’s so beautiful Bernie” and I could’ve kissed that enchanting, excited smile straight off her face, could’ve kissed her with so much love that she’d finally understand how much I still wanted her. She’d spent nights on the balcony of the house she was staying at, looking over the dimly lit canal, a glass of wine in hand, talking to the other people staying where she was.

“It was the first time I talked about Elinor” she explained “the first time I acknowledged why I was travelling. When I told the first people, I spoke all about her, but never had the heart to explain that my beautiful girl isn’t here anymore. I always left that bit out, because I was still too broken to accept it. Then by my last night, I was talking to another lone traveller, ten or so years younger than me. I told her all about Elinor but I managed to finish it this time, told her that I missed her and wished she was there, wished I was sharing this with her. That was when I accepted that I’m never going to stop missing her, but that I can still live.”

She glowed as she spoke, and although there was a sadness in her eyes, there was no longer a burning anger that scolded anyone who tried to break through.

Her final months were spent in Australia and New Zealand, where she stayed with family for a little while, who shared memories of Elinor when she was young. She said it was impossible to mope about in that kind of heat, she drank far too much wine, went sky diving, jumped off waterfalls, did things she never thought she’d be brave enough to do.

“Elinor would’ve done all those things, she would’ve loved it. That’s why I did them I think, I did everything I know she would’ve if she were there. I just wanted to feel close to her, I still miss her so much”

I could tell she was getting choked up, her voice got quieter and her eyes glazed over, so I did the only thing I could think to do. I reached for her hand over the table, covered it with my own, stroked endless patterns over her knuckles, and told her again how proud Elinor would be.

There seemed to be a peace between us then, our hands still clutched in the middle of the table, there was a tranquillity that we hadn’t had in so long.

I told her the events she’d missed at the hospital, Isaac Mayfield leaving in a cloud of rumours, not mentioning quite how active I was in his dismissal. Told her all about how well Jason was doing, how comfortable he was in the hospital, how we’d have lunch together and that I made sure to make him dinner once a week at least.

We walked to our cars in a comfortable silence, and I truly felt that there was no more tension, no nervousness about what could’ve happened in the time we were away, because now we knew. I finally felt like we could move forward.

We got to Serena’s car first and we stood there, she was looking at me shyly and neither of us had any idea what to say, or do for that matter. Serena reached her hand out and held mine gently, playing with my fingers nervously.

“I thought of you too you know, when I was out there. Elinor isn’t the only one who I missed. So many things I saw and thought, Bernie would love that. I wish Bernie was here” and the only thing I could think to say was “I’m here now.”

We shared a hug, it was so warm and full of love, every ounce of anger drained from me in that moment, if there was any left that is.

I liked this Serena, no, I loved this Serena.

She was soft, she wasn’t all sharp edges and vicious words, she was soft curves, shy smiles and longing looks.

We went our separate ways, but I knew, and I’m sure she did, that what we’d shared that night was special. I thought of us looking back at this in years to come and smiling, laughing even at how shy and wary we both were.

This carried on for weeks, we’d go for drinks twice a week or so, as many times as we could really. Always at Albie’s, both still a little too scared to face the reality of spending time at each other’s homes, scared it might bring back too many memories. We discussed everything, confided in each other about our problems, laughed until we cried and nearly wet ourselves, always hugged before we went our separate ways.

We were comfortable, and both too nervous to break that, scared for it to tumble into disaster like before.

So, we settled for longing looks, and hugs that lingered for too long and inside jokes that’d make us giggle inappropriately at work. We settled for that until one of us was brave enough to give into temptation and break the boundaries we were both so scared to. Both too apprahensive to jump over that final barrier between a comfortable friendship and something more concrete, and a lot less platonic.

That seemed to be what our relationship had become, stops and starts, long periods of going nowhere until one of us built up the courage to initiate something more.

That was until one evening in our office, when a little too much alcohol made us dare to reminisce about our past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please keep leaving reviews etc.  
> Next chapter should be up in the next couple of days.


	4. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a nice, long, action packed chapter for you all, hope you enjoy!

It’d been a long, draining day, we’d lost a patient who was probably about Elinor’s age, but Serena kept her cool, she didn’t lose it and I was so proud of her.

We sat down, backs against our locked office door in the dim evening light, faint noises from the ward still whirling around us. Serena crawled over to her desk drawer, unlocked it and retrieved a bottle of Shiraz, a shy glint in her eye.

“We deserve it” she smirked at me, raising it in the air and giving me a wink.

“Although, I’m afraid I don’t have any glasses so we’re going to have to drink from the bottle like a pair of teenagers” we laughed as she settled back next to me, our shoulders pressed against each other so firmly.

“Fine by me” she opened the bottle and must’ve downed half of it in one go, so I followed suit and downed the other half. I leaned my head back against the door and smiled at her, she did the same, a nervous smile on her mouth and warm eyes that made me feel as though I was melting.

She crawled over to grab another bottle and I couldn’t help but let my eyes drop to the view in front of me, my mind wandered to a time when I would’ve freely slapped her arse as it stuck in the air. The alcohol must’ve been affecting me already because before I’d realised it, she was facing me again, eyebrows raised, licking her lip slightly, and I was still sat staring at the space her bum previously occupied.

“Did the army teach you nothing about self-restraint, Major?” she teased, and I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks, hoping I could blame it on the alcohol if questioned.

“Ooh, I like it when you talk military to me” I outrageously flirted back and Serena giggled, that adorable, mischievous little giggle she only ever did when I said something a little risky. She returned to her seated position next to me and failed terribly at trying to open the next bottle, until she finally gave up and handed it to me.

“Give it your best shot big macho army medic” she passed me the bottle and I opened it easily which gained a disapproving grunt from Serena, and an arrogant smirk from me.

“I would’ve let you win again, like that arm wrestle, but then we’d have no wine” I explained, before I could stop myself, mention of our past had slipped from my lips. Something flashed across Serena’s face.

Fear? Confusion? Excitement?

I had no idea, but she recovered herself quickly and gave me a wink.

“Good call” and settled back at my side.

Time passed in comfortable silence and another bottle of wine was opened (by me) and finished, and somehow our hands had ended up clasped together and held in Serena’s lap, as she played gently with my fingers. This had become a habit for us, intimate enough that we gained some sort of comfort from it, but platonic enough that it could be passed off as a friendly gesture.

“We were good together, weren’t we?” she asked out of nowhere and as my head snapped up I was met by her eyes already looking intently at me, obviously waiting for an answer, one I didn’t know how to give.

“Before it all went tits up, I mean” she elaborated, and a tension was there between us that hadn’t been for a while, this was a topic we’d very much ignored up until that moment. All I could do was nod slightly and squeeze her hand a little tighter, which seemed enough.

So, we sat there, heads resting against the back of the door, so close, looking into each other’s eyes, hands intertwined.

“Remember last time we drank in the office?” I asked before I could stop myself, she’d set my brain off thinking about our past, and I knew she was thinking about it too, in the silence that had stretched on.

“Something about keeping it confined to theatre?” She joked. She was teasing me and I knew it, but I wasn’t going to leave her all alone out there, so I joined in, my confidence being fuelled by the potentially dangerous amounts of alcohol I’d consumed.

“God, who’s stupid idea was that” we were both giggling now, as much as we’d changed, our outrageous need to flirt obviously hadn’t.

“I believe that would be you” she replied, quick wittedly, giving me one of her signature winks, paired with raised eyebrows and a smirk, which successfully raised my temperature above what would be considered normal.

“Well, maybe I wouldn’t have suggested just being friends if I’d known about that lucky lady in Stepney” she blushed a little at that, remembering the lie she’d told all that time ago, when everything was so new.

“Goodbye Serena, I’m off to Kiev, ring any bells?” she retorted and I couldn’t help but laugh, because I knew she was only teasing me, I knew she wasn’t still angry over that. Too much had happened and too much time had passed since the days when Bernie Wolfe would run away.

“Low blow, even for you Campbell” and we were left grinning at each other, until Serena looked down and nervously played with my fingers again, as if inspecting each one, like she didn’t already know what they felt like (double meaning much intended).

More time passed and my heart felt fuller than it had for so long, all those months I’d imagined this, having her back, and now she was, I couldn’t take a single moment for granted.

“I for one, am far too drunk to drive home” she said out of nowhere.

“How about we sneak off to the on-call room and sleep this off. We’ve got to make sure nobody sees AAU’s co-leads stumbling down the hallway though” I suggested and Serena’s face lit up at the idea.

She stood up and tried to pull me up with her, but I practically pulled her down onto my lap. After a lot of scrambling about, which probably alerted the whole ward we were in there, we were up on our feet and Serena peaked out the door to check nobody was around to see us leave.

However, drunk Serena Campbell and balance don’t exactly go hand in hand, and she fell flat on her face out of the door and into the ward. I was stood swaying behind her, not able to cover the honking laugh escaping my mouth. I grabbed Serena’s hand and hauled her up as she crashed into me and we nearly fell again. We both ran down the hallway in a fit of giggles, hand in hand, leaving Fletch and Raf’s gobsmacked faces in our wake.

I struggled opening the door to the on-call room and eventually stumbled in, slamming the door a little too loudly behind us. We couldn’t hide our laughs any longer and we descended into absolute hysterics, Serena a crying pile on the floor, which I soon joined. Seeing her laugh like that, for the first time since I’d been back made my stomach fill with butterflies. This was the Serena I adored, so unfiltered and unashamedly herself. Her face was full of glee and her cheeks were rosy, it was all I could do not to kiss her then.

“You could’ve been a little lighter on your feet Serena” I joked once we’d both recovered enough to be able to talk and stand on our feet. Her face turned from happiness to a sort of contentment, she was still smiling, but more softly and with a lot more meaning.

“I’ve missed you” she smiled more and her eyes glazed over slightly with tears. All I could say was “you too” in a sort of weak half whisper, that was far less than she deserved. I just still couldn’t bring myself to completely give in to her, I needed to be sure, so sure that it wouldn’t end the same way as before.

As if telepathically, we both looked towards the small single bed that graced the room, and then slowly turned our heads to each other.

“I’ll, um, I’ll sleep on the floor” I spluttered out, the amount I’d drunk that night becoming very obvious, but she just laughed at the suggestion.

“We’ve done more than share a bed before Bernie” and I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. She was drunk, very drunk, and this wasn’t how I wanted anything to happen, I didn’t want to make any mistakes this time.

“Ok well, I’ll, I’ll just stay in my scrubs and…” I trailed off as she stepped closer to me, a fire in her eyes I hadn’t seen since before I could remember, but could recognise in an instance.

“I’ve seen it all before” she said as she licked her lips. Her hands found their way to the bottom of my scrub top and she started lifting it up slightly, I couldn’t move at first, her breath was on my face and her fingers were grazing against my stomach, and it took all the strength I had to resist.

By the time by brain returned to functioning order, my top was on the floor and her lips were travelling teasingly up my neck. I stood back, held her at arm’s length but didn’t push, and that must’ve been when she saw the hurt in my eyes, because I could see the panic in hers.

“Serena, stop” and I scrambled on the floor to pick up my top, hurriedly putting it back on over my head. “I don’t want…look, we’re drunk and I, I don’t care how many times you’ve seen it before.” There was a blankness on her face that I didn’t quite recognise.

“You don’t get it, do you? I’ve waited so long for you, and we deserve more than this. I don’t want to fuck you in the on-call room” the blunt harshness of my words surprised even me. “I want to be worth more than that to you” my eyes were filling up with tears and I could see the regret in Serena’s eyes.

“I’ll see you in the morning” I said and I went for the door but she grabbed my arm, spun me around so I was facing her, and I was met by the image of her own teary eyes, her shaky breath the only sound in the room for a moment.

“I’m sorry” she sounded sincere, guilty.

“You are worth more than that to me, I promise. I just, I got caught up in the moment. Please don’t go.” She was pleading with me and I didn’t know what to do, I felt lost, a little betrayed, but no version of Bernie Wolfe could ever say no to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please keep leaving kudos and comments!  
> 


	5. Our First Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the reviews, I love hearing what you all think!  
> I also have a question, as this fic is coming to a close soon enough, I'd love to start another one. I have an idea of a kind of AU where Bernie and Serena are just friends still and Raf and Fletch are pestering Serena to get back out there and try setting her up with people. She pretends she's seeing someone to get out of it, and Bernie agrees to pretend they're together to save her. Basically a fake dating AU, probably a little more light hearted than this one! Let me know if any of you would be interested in me starting that?

“We can stay in our scrubs and I’ll go on the floor, just stay and we can talk some more” I sat down on the edge of the bed, gripping it with my clammy hands.

I sighed heavily, we both needed sleep.

“There’s no need for anybody to sleep on the floor. Let’s just get some sleep.” I suggested and laid back on the bed, scooting over and letting Serena lay next to me.

She was so warm, and looked so beautiful in the half darkness of the tiny room. We faced each other and were mere inches apart, the light highlighted half of her face and shadowed the curve of her nose, her lips looked so soft and we both knew it was taking an awful lot of will power for us not to just close the gap.

“I’m sorry” she repeated. “I shouldn’t have…thank you for not leaving, it’s the least I deserved” but I just smiled at her and let my hand rest on her cheek, smoothing it over gently with my thumb, in a slow rhythm.

“This is all so scarily familiar” I thought out loud, not even realising I’d said it until I saw Serena’s eyes sadden, and she nodded slightly. “Us, laying together, I mean” I elaborated, not that I needed to, I could tell she knew what I meant from the look on her face.

“I know we’ve both changed, but you still know me Bernie, better than anyone. I think when you know somebody so deeply, there’s only so much they can change” were the profound words that left Serena’s mouth, and I agreed with every one.

We held each other all night, our warmth mingling and our hearts full. In the early hours of the morning, we were both woken up by the shock of the alcohol having left our systems, our bodies refusing to fall asleep again for the time being.

Her head was resting on my shoulder and her hand was splayed out on my stomach, her warm breath tickled my neck, but I couldn’t complain. This was the comfort that I’d so craved in the months she’d been away, I was basking in every moment that Serena Campbell sleepily held onto me.

“Are you awake?” She asked and I could tell from her voice that, although it was thick with sleep, it was sober, unlike a few hours before.

“Yeah” I said as my fingers began to play gently with her soft, now much shorter hair. We shuffled so that we were now facing each other, our eyes still tired and drooping, but even in the near darkness I could trace the outline of her face with my eyes.

As I lay there, staring at her, soaking in all her features, I got a surge of courage as my hand moved from where it played with her hair to rest on her cheek. I made out her eyes slowly drop to my lips and concluded she wanted it too, not how she’d wanted it earlier that night, this was sober and careful. This was how I’d imagined it.

I brought my head forward until my lips gently found their way to hers, they were so soft, even softer than I remembered, and I wondered how I ever got anything done before, when I could kiss her so freely.

My lips fit perfectly in the curve of hers and they moved slowly together, a small, contented moan escaping her lips, and memories flooded me. Memories of kissing her, like this, and differently, memories of how incredible it felt, and how in the months that had passed I’d forgotten just how amazing Serena Campbell made me feel.

We stayed this way for a while, lips moving, her hand dropped down to rest on my hip and our bodies were pressed so closely against each other. We didn’t speak, just broke apart slightly and I could tell she was smiling, and so was I, grinning like a bloody fool to be more precise. I wrapped my arms so tightly around her, scared she’d disappear if I loosened my grip, and we both fell back into a deep sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

The morning brought a banging headache, tangled limbs and memories of her lips pressed so firmly against mine.

She looked so peaceful laying there, her head tucked in the crook of my neck as her even breath fell from her lips, but it was getting later in the morning and someone was bound to walk in. I carefully reached over for my phone and checked the time, we had about two hours until our shifts started, but I definitely needed a shower and a freshen up. I slipped quietly from Serena’s grasp, giving her a quick kiss on the forehead, and creeped out of the room, making sure no prying eyes were looking my way.

I had a quick shower, saddened slightly as I washed Serena away and changed into the spare clothes I always kept in my locker. I walked towards our office, aware that I was looking more than a little worse-for-ware, just staring at my shoes until I disappeared into it. I was surprised to see Serena in there, head in her hands, seemingly unaware that I’d entered the room.

“Not feeling too fresh either then?” I asked and she looked up, startled, tears in her eyes. She wiped her eyes and looked at me in shock, sitting up slightly, failing miserably at covering up her upset.

“I, um, I thought you’d gone” she explained as she looked at me wide eyed.

“You weren’t in the on-call room when I woke up and your bag’s gone, I thought you’d left” and by that I knew she meant that she thought I’d left for good, run away again like Kiev, because of the kiss. I sighed heavily and walked over to perch on the side of her desk, waiting until she brought her head up and looked me in the eyes.

“I haven’t left. I’ve changed, I don’t do that anymore” and that achieved a watery smile from her. “We do, however, start our shift in about five minutes. So, I suggest you go and take a shower and get some coffee, and I’ll cover the ward for the meantime”

Her smile widened and she stood up in front of me, her short hair going into tufts and slight bags under her eyes. This was an all too familiar sight, sleepy, very hungover Serena and it brought a sadness to me. It reminded me of the months when she’d drink to deal with things, to forget, and she’d wake up like this and I’d have to practically dress her and force her to go into work.

She leaned forward and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek, as if she knew what I was thinking, memories of those lips against mine the night before flooded me and I couldn’t help myself as I grabbed her hand and pulled her forward clumsily, seeking out her lips with mine, as she practically stumbled into my lap.

It was short and chaste and we were both smiling too much to carry it on for long. With that, she left to get ready for the day and I stumbled onto the ward, mind hazy with thoughts of Serena as I tried to diagnose and focus on the job, which proved very difficult. Especially when Serena returned and I spent my whole day trying not to stare at her across the ward. Lucky, or unlucky for me, we barely crossed paths that day.

A week went past in a busy flurry of trauma calls and patient transfers, Serena and I managed to slip in one evening at Albie’s but it was somewhat bombarded by the rest of our AAU team, not that we minded. We laughed and joked, and as I got up from my seat to get the next round I placed a kiss on Serena’s cheek, she looked at me a little startled, and I probably looked the same. With the way we were going I guess I just started to fall into old habits, little public shows of affection like that, but she didn’t seem to mind, nor did anyone else for that matter.

Talk and gossip of our relationship was kept to a minimum, especially on AAU, our friends all just left us to it. With the way things had ended before, they all knew our relationship would be fragile once Serena returned, and it was a touchy subject, so they all left us to find our footing. This was the first public display of affection they’d seen between us and from their faces they were a little shocked, it’d taken us so long to get on good terms I think they might’ve given up hope of us ever rekindling any sort of a friendship, let alone more.

I drove Serena home that night, I’d stayed on the soft drinks as I had an early start and hoped it might mean she’d accept a lift. We got to her house and I said I’d walk her to the door, even though I was a little nervous to be faced with seeing a glimpse of her home again. It was the one place that held the most painful memories of a broken Serena, where she’d drink and cry and we’d argue when I tried to force her to see sense. This was where her relationship with Jason crumbled, where ours did too.

As we approached the front door I remembered the times when I’d had it slammed in my face, asked to leave because she couldn’t stand company that night. I thought I’d feel an overwhelming sense of pain and dread as she opened the door, but that was washed over by a sense of apprehension, excitement for my future there, a new future, with Serena.

“Thank you again, for the lift” she spoke shyly as we both hovered by her front door.

“You’re welcome” I nodded back, an air of anticipation hovered above us, ready to come crashing down on our heads.

 It didn’t take long before I felt her lips on mine once more and my back was pushed gently against the nearest wall. She always did like to take charge I thought, but tried to stop myself from blurring the lines between then and now.

It was different this time, I kept on telling myself.

I’d come to realise that it was impossible to have all these “firsts” since her return without drawing parallels with our past. I made myself realise it wasn’t dangerous, or toxic, it was just natural and human because I’d never forget all those things, and it was the memory of them that made me want to relive them.

The feeling of having her lips on mine again, her hands gently, carefully finding my hips as they ran over the skin there, under the back of my shirt. My head was bound to fill with memories of her doing that before, and how much I’d craved it since.

My hands found themselves grasping at the short hair at the nape of her neck, this was different, it was shorter, but still so Serena. Her tongue dipped gently into my mouth and it felt like the first time all over again, it felt like velvet as it danced with mine. Her breath hitched as I gently pulled on her hair and she pushed me further into the wall, no space left between us as her nails dug slightly into my hips. Small hums and moans escaped her mouth and all I wanted to do was crash through that door and carry her to her bed, kiss every inch of her soft curves, cherish every second as she’d grip onto my shoulders and call out my name.

After minutes of kissing, we were left facing each other, so close, catching our breaths, smiling so widely, never breaking eye contact. After a few moments spent like that, I gently pulled away before giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“I’ll see you in the morning, goodnight Serena” and turned to walk to my car, as I heard her call “goodnight” after me. She was probably shocked I didn’t stick around, finally break that “undeniable sexual chemistry” that hung between us, but tonight didn’t feel right, it was still too soon.

I went home and got into my own bed, my mind full to the brim with thoughts of Serena. Every hitch of her breath, her hums of approval, her every curve that I wanted nothing more than to run my hands over.

When I thought about it, I found myself filled with a sense of excitement, vivid images filling my mind. I realised that I didn’t still love the idealised image I’d created of Serena before Elinor had died.

I was in love with this Serena.

I had spent so long romanticising the image of Serena in the months we were getting together, convincing myself that she would return.

Laying alone in my bed that night I realised, that Serena Campbell didn’t exist anymore, she’d never be the same without Elinor. I also realised that I didn’t want that Serena, I wanted the Serena that would have bad days as well as good ones, and I was willing to go through every one with her. Willing to hold her through the nights where the grief would hit her out of nowhere, because that was a part of her, and a part I would love all the same as the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Make sure to let me know if you'd be interested in me writing that other fic! x


	6. Finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to get a little naughty so if that's not what you want to read then don't read ahead!  
> Thank you for all your kudos and reviews, it really spurs me on to write more!

Another busy week passed on AAU, Serena and I didn’t see a lot of each other. We managed to sneak in a couple of coffee dates on our lunch breaks, but they were both interrupted by our pagers.

We’d managed to steal away a few moments in the office, or the store cupboard, which again were mostly interrupted by pagers, or unfortunately on one occasion, a porter. We were like lovesick teenagers all over again, turning up on the ward late from our break with hair slightly out of place and cheeks flushed from making out.

We were both irritated we hadn’t had any time to spend with each other properly, but it was refreshing that this hadn’t put stress on us, or strained our newly forming relationship. The only problem it was causing was a lot of sexual tension, the moments in our office were getting more and more heated, I was desperate for a release.

If given some time alone I think we’d pounce on each other, my mind was wondering, to places it probably shouldn’t in the work place.

Serena broke me out of my thoughts as she walked into our office, closing the door behind her and striding towards my desk with purpose, all swaying hips and a strong glare, before sitting on the edge of it.

“You ok?” I asked, slightly shocked by the serious look on her face.

“I’ve had enough” she said, but her features softened, so I gauged it wasn’t too serious and settled again.

“Ok?” I simply prompted her to continue.

“Of not seeing you” she smiled softly and I couldn’t help but let out a little laugh, she was like a child sometimes, that much hadn’t changed. “We’re both on the late tomorrow, come over?” the way she spoke couldn’t be read as anything other than suggestive. I smirked slightly, standing in front of her, resting my hands on her hips and pulling her forward towards me.

“And if I do…” I whispered in her ear and I could’ve sworn she shivered slightly at it. I let my lips trail kisses down the pale, soft skin on her neck and she let out a small moan. Suddenly, she spun me around gently and pushed me against the desk, her mouth finding mine in a fiery kiss. Her hands gripped my waist and the passion between us reached a new high as her tongue slipped into my mouth, and before I could stop myself a moan escaped my lips too.

Serena smirked, breaking the kiss slightly.

“Is that a yes to coming over then?”  she teased, the only thing I managed to do was nod slightly as she walked to the door and winked at me before leaving the office.

I finished my shift ten or so minutes early so I could go and freshen up before meeting Serena in our office. I changed my shirt to a slightly nicer one I had hung up in my locker, attempted to brush my hair (not that that ever worked) and put some perfume on. To say I had butterflies was an understatement, it felt like I was going to her house for the first time all over again.

I was nervous around her again, tongue tied like a teenager.

I met Serena in our office after that, she looked beautiful, as she always did, but she had a glint in her eye and the most genuinely happy smile on her face that made her look ethereal.

“Jason’s not around tonight, I managed to convince him to go to Alan’s so we can have some time to ourselves” she was smiling sweetly, “right, let’s go” she said as she gave me a kiss on the cheek.

To my surprise, as we left the office she slipped her hand into mine, and we walked hand in hand out of the ward, waves and smiles coming from our colleagues. There was a spark of electricity between us, and excitement.

Even once our relationship was public knowledge before, holding hands at work and public displays like that weren’t really something Serena did. She gave me such a beaming smile and it made me remember her saying that the past months made her realise life’s too short. That if you want something then you get it and I suppose that was how she was feeling, if she wanted to hold my hand then she would, and she’d be proud to.

Even the judgemental glare of Jac Naylor as we stepped out into the car park wasn’t enough to discourage Serena. Once we got to her car, the sun was setting and it glowed on her face, she looked like an angel, that’s the only way I could think to describe her.

She leant forward and kissed me gently before we got in, Jac’s eyes on us the whole time, a sneering look on her face that said “get a room,” but neither of us cared, we were in our own perfect little bubble.

Once we’d started driving I let my hand stray to lay on Serena’s thigh as she drove, she turned to me and smiled shyly.

“Takeaway ok?” she asked and I nodded, the nerves getting the better of me as we approached her house.

Once we were inside, I went and poured us glasses or wine as Serena ordered our food.

It was strange being in her home again, not unpleasant, just that there was an obvious familiarity. Everything had changed so much but Serena’s home was something that featured so significantly in our past.

It gave me a weird sense of comfort, reminded me of the happy times we’d had there. Reminded me that the past wasn’t all bad, that trying to ignore it would never work, it got us where we were and I couldn’t have been more thankful for that.

Sitting in the low light of Serena’s living room, the flickering of the tv lighting her face differently with every picture, I realised how lucky I was. I was lucky to have found Serena, lucky that she left, because it brought us to where we were.

We finished off our takeaway and a bottle of Shiraz before settling down on the sofa to watch a film, though neither of us were really watching it very closely. It only took about ten minutes of the film for Serena to move closer to me, she started kissing my neck gently as I tried to focus on the film, failing monumentally.

She was smirking against my neck, running her tongue along my collar bone, biting gently as I still tried to act as if it wasn’t affecting me. She slowly kissed back up my neck and I could feel her breath on my ear before she whispered, “you know what else I’ve missed?” Before slowly bringing her fingers to undo the buttons of my shirt.

That was it, I couldn’t play it cool anymore, she was driving me mad, her touch was electric, I’d forgotten how amazing it felt, to have Serena want me so much.

It was familiar as she grabbed my hand and walked me to her bedroom, I flashed back to all the times we’d done this before, but it felt like the first time all over again.

This was different. I knew what it felt like to lose Serena, emotionally, physically, and I wanted her more in that moment than I’d ever wanted anything. I was going to cherish every moment with her from that point onwards, cherish every touch and every moan that escaped her soft, slightly parted lips.

We crashed through the door and I shrugged off my shirt before pushing her down onto the bed, straddling her. The familiar smell filled my nostrils, and the familiar taste of Serena’s skin on my tongue was overwhelming as I took her shirt off and trailed kisses down her neck, sucking gently at her pulse point.

My lips met hers in a searing kiss and I could feel the warmth growing between my legs, I couldn’t rush it thought, I was going to show Serena exactly how much I wanted her, worship her.

I kissed every inch of her neck as she hummed and moaned quietly, her breath hitched ever so slightly as I reached round to unclasp her bra, pulling it down her slender arms. I let my mouth find one of her nipples, my tongue running over it teasingly, taking note of every breath and moan that escaped her mouth, the arch of her back.

I revelled in the fact it was all because of me, that I could make her feel like that again. I kissed slowly down her body, just as slowly undid her trousers as we both battled to get them off, along with her knickers. I returned to her lips, I was kissing a stark-naked Serena Campbell and I wasn’t sure what to do with myself.

I grinned slightly against her lips and she gave me a questioning look.

“I’ve just missed you so much” I mumbled out and she grinned back at me, a heated look in her eyes, her pupils were dark and she smirked in a way I just couldn’t resist.

I crashed my lips against hers as my hands found her breasts, squeezing her nipples gently, rolling them with my fingertips, eliciting another moan from Serena. I let my mouth fall to one and circled it with my tongue. I kissed softly down her stomach, teased the inside of her thighs with my tongue, hovered my mouth close enough so she could feel my breath.

“P-please” fell from her lips in a moan and that was all it took for me to swipe my tongue up her folds, circle it gently around her clit as her moans grew louder, desperate for more.

I teased her, slow strokes of my tongue, soft and torturous. She was squirming underneath me, her hips rising for more contact.

She was desperate, I could tell.

I pushed my tongue inside her and picked up speed, her hands got lost in my hair and I’d forgotten quite how loud Serena was. Not that I was complaining, far from it in fact.

I focused my tongue on her clit, circling it, sucking on it until she was whimpering. I knew she was close so I gently entered her with two fingers, not letting up the pressure of my tongue on her clit. Giving Serena all this pleasure again was an overwhelming feeling, getting to have her like that, so vulnerable and beautiful, was a blessing.

She gripped at my hair and her moans turned into muffled screams against the pillow as I sucked hard on her clit and she came undone under me. A sheen of sweat on her brow, cheeks glowing, panting breaths and I couldn’t think of a time when I’d seen a sight anywhere near as beautiful.

I kissed my way slowly up her body until I got to her lips, pressing soft kisses against them, giving her time to get her breath back. She opened her eyes and looked at me with such meaning I was lost for words, it was a look that told me everything I felt was reciprocated.

I kissed her again. It was lazy, soft.

“You’re beautiful, Serena Campbell” I whispered, and with that we drifted off to sleep, curled into one another, a smile toying on my lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fake dating AU I was talking about has been started so if you're interested in that go give the first chapter a read!  
> Thank you again!


	7. Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it's taken me so long!   
> This is the final chapter, I hope this is a satisfactory ending!  
> Thank you to everyone who's kept reading this far, you're wonderful.

I woke up, my body heavy and satisfied, a smile appearing on my lips as soon as I’d reached a full state of consciousness. When Serena had been away, I’d cherish those moments between sleep and wakefulness, before the crash of reality could be felt, those small moments where life was simple. Once that blissful state passed, the crippling reality would crash through, but not anymore.

I woke up in Serena’s bed, her breath tickling my neck gently as she slept peacefully, arms wrapped tightly around me. This time, the reality that hit was sweeter than anything I could’ve imagined, my heart soared and it finally felt like everything made sense.

I lay there for a bit, basking in her warmth, cherishing every moment.

I was always an earlier riser than Serena, I knew she wouldn’t be waking up for an hour or so. I slipped from her grasp, trying not to wake her and quickly found her silk dressing gown hanging on the back of the door. I wrapped it around myself and made my way down the stairs, the sun was shining and everything felt right.

I felt like I was back where I belonged.

I opened up her big French doors and let the sun in, before making myself a cup of coffee. Once I’d made it I grabbed my cigarettes and made my way down the little path in Serena’s garden to her bench, bathed in sun and surrounded by the smell of blooming flowers.

As I lit my cigarette, sighing in relief at that first drag, I realised that I was ready to tell Serena everything, puffing out any last doubts I had. We’d overcome so much since she’d returned, the only thing left to do was admit everything, tell her exactly how much I wanted this, finally start a fresh.

I felt a calm wash over me, I had no fear anymore, and that was the most alien feeling for me. I’d spent my life in a state of fear, running away, from my marriage, from the army, even from Serena.

I finally felt that I was done running, that I’d found a place where I could be happy forever, with Serena.

I was broken out of my thoughts by the patter of feet down the path, looked up to see Serena squinting gently against the sun, her other silk dressing gown hanging loosely off one shoulder. The light hit the dip of her collarbone, her golden skin, soft all the way up to her neck and to her now smirking face.

“Morning” she greeted me gently, sitting down on the bench next to me, pulling her feet up into my lap, hands wrapped around her own coffee. "I thought I might find you here."

“Morning you” I squinted up at her and she had a thoughtful look on her face, a little nervous, and completely adorable. I knew what she was thinking of course. That this is what I used to do, when I woke up before her, get a coffee and sit on this bench, enjoying the sun until she woke. I could tell she wanted to say something, but was too scared to bring up the past. I decided it was my turn to talk, save her from fumbling over her words and thinking she’d upset me.

“I always liked this spot. The sun hits it perfectly in the mornings” I remembered. “I think we might want to invest in a comfier bench though” I pointed out, wiggling my bum to make it creek to prove my point.

“I think you might be right” she grinned back as I stroked my fingers gently up her bare legs.

We stayed there in comfortable silence and all that was whirling round my mind was how much I wanted her, how much I wanted everything with her. She made me feel more alive than I’d ever felt, we’d got through so much and I realised we could get through anything. I didn't want to be scared, I wanted to throw every last bit of doubt I had out of my head and make all of this real.

“I love you” I whispered suddenly, my thoughts spilling out of my mouth. Her eyes widened momentarily before softening and crinkling as she smiled softly. She was as shocked as I was.

“What?” She asked softly, checking she’d heard me right. I took a deep breath, she deserved more than a half-hearted whisper. If I was going to do this then it was going to be a declaration. I took another breath and confidently ploughed on.

“I love you, Serena Campbell” she smiled again. “I have since the moment we met. I know things haven’t always gone to plan and life’s been cruel but we’ve made it this far and I don't want it to ever end. I love you and I want to share my life with you, if you’ll have me…” I trailed off slightly, she took my hands in hers and looked into my eyes, still smiling, which was a good sign, I thought.

“Of course, I will” she reassured me.

“I’m so sure about this, if we’re going to do it then I want to do it properly. I can move in or we buy a place together. We go for romantic meals and on holidays together, Jason too. I want to be a family. I want to marry you, Serena. I don’t care how late we’ve left this, I want to cherish every moment I have with you until the end” this sudden outpouring was a shock not only to me but also Serena, she inhaled a shaky breath as a tear rolled down her cheek.

“Where’s the commitment phobic army medic I once knew?” She joked, grinning at me.

“Yes, well. Like you said, love makes fools of us all” she pulled my face in close to hers, pressed her lips firmly against mine and we sat there kissing, for minutes, hours, I wasn’t sure.

“Let's go and get your stuff then?” She said, breaking away from me only slightly.

“Hmm?” I hummed against her lips.

“So you can move in” she grinned, standing up and sauntering inside, wiggling her hips in that infuriating way she loved to do.

“And Bernie” she turned around slightly. “I love you too” she smiled so sincerely before disappearing inside. I grinned to myself and followed her, a smirk on my lips as I caught up and wrapped my arms around her from behind, kissing up her neck as she leaned back against me. 

“We could go and get my stuff now…” I whispered in her ear teasingly. “Or we could do it later” I ran my tongue gently up her neck and her breath hitched, a gentle moan escaping her lips, just loud enough that I heard.

“And why would we do it later when we can do it now, Ms Wolfe?” She feigned innocence.

“Because I can think of something I’d rather do right now” I let my hands fall to grasp her hips and she giggled, turning her head to face me, kissing my lips gently.

“You’ve got a one track mind, Bernie Wolfe” she teased, kissing my nose. “Is it always going to be like that?” She asked, and squealed as I picked her up over my shoulder, laughter erupting from her.

“Forever” I replied, the meaning of my words weren’t lost on Serena as she squeezed around my waist a little tighter. I carried her as quickly as I could up the stairs and placed her gently on the bed, our bed. I crawled up her body, straddled her waist and rested my hands either side of her head.

“Forever” she repeated, her arms draping around my neck as I lowered my face to hers.

I brought my lips to hers, kissing gently, then harder.

“Here’s to new beginnings” I spoke as my hands gently pulled her top over her head.

_New beginnings._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and there you have it!!  
>  Thank you for reading, leaving kudos, reviewing etc etc  
> You're all gems and I love every one of you!


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